You Are Enough.

Finding the time to sit down and write blog posts has never been a strong point of mine, I have all these great ideas that I want to get down on paper and then all of a sudden everything gets crazy and I completely forget to sit my ass down at the computer and write a damn post. So here I am, about two years after my last blog post, trying to get started again because there has been something weighing on my mind a lot lately, almost consuming me. Body image. Those two words have an affect on women, especially mothers, way more than people realise.

I recently started seeing a psychologist for my anxiety and during our first session, she asked me to get a notebook and write down every single thing that makes me anxious, stressed, sad and so on. In the fortnight between appointments I was pretty disappointed in myself to see that so many of my entries were about the way I saw myself. Had I really become this self conscious that at least once a day I was wanting to cry because of how I looked in the mirror or how the clothing hanging in my wardrobe fit on my body? My body image hit an all time low.

I have been at both ends of the scales over the years, I've been overweight and I've been fit and slender. And I'll let you in on a secret - I was never happy with myself no matter what the scales or clothing tag said. Yes, being smaller made clothes shopping so much easier for me personally but I was obsessed, I was working out like mad and if I binged on "naughty" food, I'd make sure I made up for it.

I've had a few people comment lately about how I barely take photos of just myself anymore, that I always post photos of just my kids or me squeezed in a selfie with them but never on my own. And it wasn't until then that I had realised just how bad I had let my image of myself get, that I was literally avoiding the camera now.

I went underwear shopping a few weeks back to try find some undies that didn't cut into my hip and thighs, it took FOUR FUCKING DAYS and visiting multiple shops before I was able to find some that fit, and you know what? They were a size 18! This is what shits me to no end, is the lack of standard sizing within Australia. I don't care what clothing size I have to wear to be comfortable but no wonder we have such low self esteem when we go into a shop and have to buy underwear 3 times the size that we normally wear, just to get a comfortable fit! You walk into one shop and can wear a size 10, but go into another shop and nothing but an 18 fits - and sometimes it's all within the same store too!

I made a vow to myself recently to not get so caught up in all the body image bullshit.  To love myself more and to appreciate what I have and to be healthy, yes but not punish myself for having treats too. Something else I did was took a step back and tried to rewire my thinking a little and I realised that there is so much to be THANKFUL and PROUD of with my body. For instance, I can walk. I have Spina Biffida Occulta and when I was a baby, two spinal cords operations meant I could have lost my ability to ever be able to walk. There was a 1 in 3 chance and I beat the odds and can walk! My body can function with just one kidney and one eye. My body has birthed two healthy, amazing and wonderful daughters, when up until I was in my late teens, I didn't think it would be possible. I can breathe, dance (not well but hey!), run with my children, I can hold my husband close. I can read, I can write and I can speak. So I may have a little extra pudge going on with my body but you know what? I. AM. ALIVE. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am amazing. And you all are too.