More and more of late, I have found myself unhappy with my body, slipping into my old ways of lacking body confidence. Putting myself down when I get dressed or look in the mirror, looking at old photos of a skinnier me and wondering where that girl went. There is so much pressure for women to get down to pre-pregnancy weight, even if people don't admit it, there's a certain expectation and if some women take a little longer than others, it's like it's the worst thing ever. It would be nice if, instead of magazine articles of how amazing a celebrity looks after birth, we just celebrated the fact that Mummas have created life, that their bodies have done something so special and magical. If instead of breaking a Mumma's self confidence down with your "tips and suggestions" on how to get back into shape, you just saw her for more than her size. Since finding out my thyroid is part of the reason I am the same weight that I was right after giving birth to my second daughter, I've been sad and I've been angry. Today, I've decided enough is enough. I'm going to celebrate the body I have now, while I work (in MY OWN time) towards making it healthier and stronger. It carried and birthed these two amazing beings and well, that's pretty fucking amazing if you ask me.

I am your safe place. Your comfort. Your nourishment. When you are sad, hungry or tired, it is only me you want, I am the keeper of the solution to bring you back to calm again. There are times when I feel touched out or overwhelmed with how much you need me but my darling, I wouldn't change it for the world. You are only so little for such a short while, your impending first birthday is proof of that. Soon you won't need me as much as you do and I will miss each and every moment, even at 3am when all that will soothe you is my milk, nothing else. You are my last so I know I am gripping onto each moment for dear life as I never want it to end. Right now, this moment, it is pure perfection and I never want to forget it.

Teething.

Not even going to sugar coat it, teething sucks. And for you parents out there who's kids happily get through teething with barely a whimper, parents of babies who struggle through teething hate you. If this is actually true, I hate myself. Lily got through teething pretty well, by her first birthday she had nearly a full set of teeth - no joke. And those chompers were brutal. Like cut you nipple and make it bleed so you had to stop breastfeeding brutal. Luna on the other hand, the poor thing seems to take f o r e v e r  to have teeth come through, and we always know when they are coming Right now her top two front teeth are cutting, you could say sleep is a distant memory. You could also say coffee has replaced my actual friends, I hang out with it that often. But they are so close to pushing completely through and when that day comes, I'm going to do a happy dance and rejoice that the days of having my nipple rippes off during feeds will have come to an end...until her next few teeth start trying to come through. For now, I'm going to enjoy about 5 mins of a 20 minute yoga video tutorial with an 11 month old trying to steal my phone while I watch said video and make myself a cup of coffee instead and cuddle my teething babe while we curl up and watch a movie instead.

The Mumma Tribe vs The Mumma Wars

Motherhood.

It would have to be, in my opinion, the single most important job in the world. We (along with the Daddies of the world) are responsible for shaping the future generation into kind and wonderful human beings. It's a pretty scary thought when you really put it into perspective. The future rests right at our fingertips.

We are all in the same boat. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth nappies, disposable nappies, homemade baby food, store bought baby food, co sleeping, baby in a seperate room from day one. Each and every one of us no matter what choices we make are sitting here in the same boat. So my question is - why is there still so much judgement in the Mummy world? So much 'one upping'? We are all here trying to just make it through to bed time, maybe some of us have spent the day yelling more than we would have liked to, not doing as many activities with the kids as we hoped to, not even making it out of our pjs even though we wanted to - who am I kidding, it's raining here, I've had no intention whatsoever to get out of my pjs today! But you get my point. I see it constantly, Mummas bringing other Mummas down over their choices or trying to compete and it sucks.

Motherhood can be an extremely isolating and scary time. Sometimes you might feel like there is literally no one else going through what you are going through right now, no one else feeding their sweet babe for the sixth time through the night when in reality, there are hundreds - even thousands of women in your exact position right now yet however we are feeling just gets swept under the rug for fear of being judged. I know I felt this way as a first time mum, hell I even feel it sometimes now. Some times it feels like Motherhood is taboo, it shouldn't be spoken about, our hard days shouldn't be spoken about. But you know what? I believe in the honesty of Motherhood. Admitting when you are struggling to get the housework done or juggle the kids or that you are going batshit crazy with cabin fever because you haven't left the house for three weeks and your new signature perfume is Eau de Baby Vomit because you've barely had a chance to shower. Find your tribe and hold onto them. That group of Mummas who lift your spirits whether you all parent the same or not. That group you can discuss any topic far and wide over coffee without judgement. It is amazing what having a solid tribe beside you can do. We as women are strong and powerful, if we all just focused our energy into the positive and not the negative, imagine the places we could go and the things we could achieve by lifting each other up instead of knocking others down.

Let Time Stand Still

Oh how I wish this was something that could actually be done. There are so many moments each and every day I just want to hit the pause button and completely soak it up. It is amazing how quickly the years really do fly past. You hear so many people say 'Enjoy them while they are little, they will be all grown up before you know it.' And they couldn't be more right. Tonight as I sat in the bath with Luna, I sat there in awe. She had cuddled herself up so perfectly in my lap. Studying her little face as she fed from my breast, the very thing that has nourished and comforted her for the past 10 months. 10 whole months she has been on the outside of my body, still as attached as she was when she was in the womb. She is well on her way to being able to walk independently so soon, and I am left here wondering where the time has gone. I wonder this all the time. Today, Lily finished up Term 2 of Prep, really - we are halfway through her first school year? Surely that can't be right. It feels like only yesterday I was crying my eyes out as we walked out of the classroom on her first day. It's very much the same feeling with our wedding, two years ago we got engaged and thought we had plenty of time to plan it, fast forward to now and we are 7 weeks out for the big day and we are still organising things. I feel as though as the years pass, each one goes a little bit quicker than the one before. Before I know it, Jesse and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary and our girls will most likely be married with kids of their own. It's a crazy thought! I feel so truly honoured that I get to watch my girls grow, and to grow with them too actually, I'm not the same person I was 8 years ago and it's because of them and their Daddy that I continue to grow each day. Some days though, I just wish, even just for a second that time would stand still, so I could hold Jesse's hand a moment longer, so I could snuggle up to Luna sleeping soundly in my arms a minute longer and so I could listen to Lily tell me about her day just that little bit longer.

Sniffles, Sneezes and Coughs - Oh My!

Colds and viruses and conjunctivitis have taken over our household this past week.
We all got knocked down, one after the other. First Luna got the sniffles and a cough, then myself - we were both over it within a matter of days. Then Jesse got hit with it, it got him worse than us two. Lily was happily oblivious to it all and we hoped it was going to skip her, then just when we thought we were in the clear, she was struck with a virus and conjunctivitis over the weekend. She's a determined little cupcake, I'll give her that much, because she argued with myself and Jesse when Tuesday came around, she didn't want to stay home, she simply HAD to be at school. So after much back and forth discussion we lost and she was happily being dropped to school with strict instructions to get the teacher to call us if she wanted to go home - she didn't. Of course she didn't, school is so much more fun, hanging with friends and getting to play and learn. Much more exciting than sitting around at home being told you need to rest, I don't blame her. Though I would love to be told to rest and lay down when I'm unwell haha! Wednesday came and we had an adventure to the doctors office for antibiotics once we found out what was wrong. Here we are on Friday, I've been in my pyjamas for three days, drank copious amounts of coffee, haven't brushed my hair since Tuesday - aside from the coffee I might as well be describing Lily as well. The poor thing has been camping out on the lounge watching back to back TMNT episodes and eating very minimal. Here's hoping over the next few days things go back to normal and she is her happy little self again! I tell you what, so far I'm not too impressed with Winter. Luna also seems to be getting sniffly again, it's a never ending cycle with two kids, that's for sure! But hey, I get cuddles all day so I won't argue.

Do you ever have those days where as soon as you wake up, nothing seems to be going right but it's all in your head? You're instantly in a foul mood and the smallest things piss you off? This happens to me probably more than I would like to admit. This morning both of the girls woke earlier than they would on a school day - seriously, can kids sense that it's the weekend and all Mum wants is for everyone to sleep in an extra half hour? Or did they misread the memo and think that I meant wake up half an hour earlier than normal? Either way, Mumma Bear: Cranky Edition came out to play as soon as I opened my eyes and I feel horrible. We hung around the house for two hours, coffee in my hand as I tried to shake the cranks but it wasn't working. So I decided to get outside and let us all get some fresh air. We're now almost 2 hours into being at the park, Luna has falleb asleep feeding in the carrier and Lily is playing happily on the flying fox with a new friend she just made (god I love the innocence of children and how easily they can make friends and how simple it is.) and I feel calm. Content. There's something about being near the water that just makes all my worries go away, even for a few hours. Luna seems to have inherited this as well, she's a total water babe and being close to water in any way puts a smile on her face. And Lily, Lily is always just happy to be outside and near a park. I really need to make an effort to get out with them more, it's really does make all the difference in our attitudes for the rest of the day. So I'm off to enjoy the sunshine and giggles from my oldest, and to tuck away the side boob I have happening right now since Luna decided to unlatch...

Have a happy weekend!

When Plans Go Out The Window

So my littlest squish has been sick the past few days and things have been a little hectic because of it. At the start of my week, I usually go for a walk with a group of friends and their little ones but with Luna sick and myself starting to feel a little under the weather, I cancelled. I had planned to spend today catching up on washing clothes, washing dishes, folding clothes and maybe even culling some stuff after feeling like I am drowning in housework. I'm currently staring at my lounge room floor, catalogues are sprawled across the entire space, ripped and chewed by Luna earlier in the morning as Lily got ready for school. Toys are everywhere, I swear when you do a toy cull two more appear in place of each one you have gotten rid of. You know why I'm sitting here just staring at it all? Because my littlest squish is sick. She has fallen asleep in my arms! This happens so rarely now, she usually fights me and wriggles her way out of my arms and onto the floor. She is snoring as she rests her head on my chest. She is cuddling me with her sweet and small arms, as if to say 'Mummy, this is right where we both need to be in this very moment'. I'm hungry and I feel like I need to go to the bathroom but I will not move, it can all wait. I can be frustrated with the housework another day. I can exercise another day. I will not be myself up for missing my walk or skipping the housework because I am doing the most important thing that needs to be done today right this very second - cuddling and comforting my sweet babe.

I never thought we would co-sleep, it certainly wasn't in our 'plans', though what are plans when you become a parent? I feel like that word almost gets thrown out the window when you have children. And it's ok that it does. Life is full of surprises and mystery. Remember how I said no two children are the same even if they came from you? Lily did co-sleep in the sense that she was in our room until 8 months old but she only jumped in bed with us during the feed that occurred before getting up for the day and even then I enjoyed the cuddles. Luna on the hand, we even bought the same bassinet that Lily had, thinking it was perfect the first time around so why not grab it again, oh man were we in for a shock when we got home that night after having Luna and she would only sleep on myself or my fiancé, Jesse. Through sleep deprivation we decided that she would sleep in bed with us and it made breastfeeding a million times easier for the pair of us plus it calmed her being so close. Jesse ended up building a co-sleeper to attach to my side of the bed and 9 months later, she is still happily sleeping next to me in it. I had tried recently to get her into a cot, even just for day sleeps and for about a week or two it worked but then it didn't. So here we are again, laying down next to each other whilst trying to get her off to sleep for a day time nap. She likes to be able to hold my hand, to touch my face too, she likes to pull me in if I try to slip away quietly, she likes to bite me if she thinks I'm not paying attention, she likes to snuggle with her legs up on my stomach, fitting as perfectly as she did when that was her home. She finds comfort in me, in being so close. It makes me feel incredibly special. I guess I hold onto these moments even tighter knowing that she is our last baby. The days can be incredibly hard sometimes but I know that I am going to look back, like I do with Lily, and I will miss her being so small, so dependent of me. I will miss breastfeeding her, that being what soothes her and nourishes her. So for now sweet babe, you can stay in our bed because one day you won't be right next to me, crying out in the middle of the night to be fed or held and when that day comes, I will miss even the hard moments terribly.

Body Image

Because some days Mumma has a good confidence day. I pull my high waisted jeans up and face the day head on and hold my head high.

I don't want my girls to grow up feeling the way I do about my body some days when they look at their bodies. I want my girls to love the skin they are in and to never have to hear that inner voice that tells them they aren't 'skinny enough' or 'pretty enough'. It's a harsh world we live in, and to add to it, we are so hard on ourselves when we don't need to be. It's so easy to talk ourselves down and not give ourselves enough credit. It's time for me to take a step back and be proud of the body I have worked hard for and the body that has grown these two precious little girls inside.

No One Tells You

I'm just gonna jump straight in and say that there is so much that you are told before expanding your family but there is also so much that you aren't told! Here are a few things people left out that I learnt along the way..

Going from one child to two is fucking hard.

Juggling my time between them both is a mission. I go to bed feeling guilty some days because I know I haven't spent as much one on one time with Lily (my oldest) as I should have.. Luna (my youngest) demands so much of my time that some days it really is a struggle to give them both my full attention. As Luna is getting older, I'm slowly finding the balance.

Just because your children were made by you doesn't mean they will be the same as each other.

You know that saying "Every baby is different"? My god, I certainly understand the meaning of that now. My first slept through from 4 months old, therefore cutting out night time feeds, she loved (and still loves) people and would happily cuddle any one and everyone - my second...not so much. Almost 9 months, she still feeds on demand, wakes multiple times at night to feed and basically hates everyone who is within a 1 foot radius of her that isn't me (ok, that's exaggerating a smidge but she's not a people person haha). Our oldest happily slept in a bassinet, our youngest hated it and co-slept with us from day one. They are all so different and have totally different personalities so you just have to adapt with them.

Just because you don't pump a lot of milk, doesn't mean you have supply issues.

This! Oh man. I swear I didn't stress this much over supply with our first daughter. I haven't been able to pump much milk at all this time around and it wasn't until I spoke to a lactation consultant that my worries were put to ease. A pump doesn't stimulate your milk flow like a baby does! I cannot pump anywhere near as much as Luna drinks. So I won't. I'm lucky to get 20mls in a sitting so I'm not going to stress myself out over it. 

You will probably fail at being a housewife. A lot.

Maybe this one is just me? I see many Mummas kicking ass at getting stuff done at home and looking after the baby but Jesus do I struggle some days. Luna has no schedule especially with Lily being at school so predicting nap times to get stuff done is a challenge. Thank god for baby wearing, it helps me get the bare minimum done. Sure, I'd love to reorganise the house and declutter but you know what? Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time (really, that first year will fly right by) so for now, it can wait until a day that she is a little more predictable.

Your heart with expand in ways you didn't think were possible.

Having two babies to love, care for and help grow is the most rewarding and wonderful thing I have ever done. I feel like it is why I am here. Sure, I have absolutely horrible days where I wish I could go back to bed and start the day over but who doesn't? Deciding to expand our already amazing little family was such an wonderful decision and I can't imagine life any other way. I will take the good, the bad and the crazy on head first always. This is my calling.

Fresh Start

Well, well, well. 

I never thought I would see myself thrown back into the world of blogging, yet here I am.

I've never had a way with words like so many of the amazing bloggers that I follow, I tend to ramble on and probably don't ever make much sense - it's a gift really. But something deep inside was calling out, I needed to let my words spill out from my fingertips once again. It's exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time, to put yourself out there for people who know you and also complete strangers, to let them in a little for a glimpse of your world. I don't even know where to start or what to say, so I will let my fingers do the talking and see where we end up...

I'm a Mother. I have two adorable little girls. They are why I am the person I am today.

I'm a soon to be Wife. I'm about 3 months away from marrying my love and I cannot wait!

I am fuelled by coffee. No joke - how else does a Mumma who feeds her sweet baby 3-6 times a night keep her eyes open? I'm not one for toothpicks to hold them open.

I am very passionate about breastfeeding and baby wearing. 

Our littlest sweetheart is also our last, so I am holding onto both of these wonderful experiences for dear life. I hope to make it to a year of breastfeeding, that will be an amazing achievement in my eyes. As for baby wearing, well I will carry her until my back tells me it's time - which thanks to Oestoarthritis and Spina Biffida Acculta, I fear for the day that we have to stop may come earlier than I am ready for.

But enough about that. 

I look forward to sharing my thoughts and stories.

To sit down at the computer or phone and share a coffee with you.

Until next time.